Pumpsgivings day!!!

So if you follow me on TikTok (which you should @Michelangeloofhiphop), you already know how special today is. If not let me give you the quick run down.

April 17, 2022 I was locked out of the studio because I left my keys at my desk (something I had a bad habit of doing). While waiting on Mikey Vegas to come save the day I was scrolling on TikTok and came across a meme of the Straw Hat Pirates from One Piece dancing on The Going Mary which originally was part of the “Do the Harlem Shake” trend but this time to a Jersey Club remix of Backstabbers by the OJays. I laughed so hard at some of my favorite anime characters getting it like it was the Freaknik in ‘94. Brook give classy but stern Pumps. Zoro throwing it hither and thither. Sanji losing his mind at Nico Robin and Nami keeping it cute and sexy. Luffy going HAM on the steps. Even Tony Tony Chopper was getting his pumps in.

I wanted in.

So I set my phone up on the floor propped up against the wall shot my own video of me coming out of the elevator GIVING IT MY ALL!!!! It went viral. Nothing crazy but over 100k views. But most importantly it felt good. Something I really hadn’t felt in a long time since my dad passed away the year before. It was also one of the first times I had saw myself as sexy outside of female validation. Sure plenty of women commented on my content and said I looked cute or attractive in some way, but I never really felt that way about myself. I did like three other versions and had fun. It felt good to dance, laugh, and play on my phone all day. I needed that.

Some time had passed and the virality had come and gone. Then eventually I got bored one day while practicing editing videos and checking out editing software when I decided to hope on CapCut and play with some features. That’s when I found out how to clip myself out of the original video and overlay it onto other images and videos. A MONSTER WAS BORN!!!!

I spent the next 2-3 weeks making shitposts of me pumping everywhere. On mountains. On boats. On the news. In fighting games. In movies. In music videos. What ever I could get to work.

At the same time I was really digging into deconstructing some of the toxic ideologies I had learned and adopted over the years. With a new found sense of self appreciation I realized how in the absence of expression when it came to my own sexuality I never considered the ethics of said expression, mostly out of the fear and expectation of being rejected for expressing my sexuality in a public forum. So now that I wasn’t being rejected like I feared I would be I started questioning why I felt that way in the beginning.

I had spent my life hating my body because I was told I should. That if any woman found anything attractive about me it would be because of my personality or the way I think. Not the way I looked. I was too short. Too fat. Too dark. Too nappy. Too bummy. So I lead with personality. I would joke, sing, lean into deep intellectual conversations, extend as much grace and kindness as possible all in the name of “showing my best qualities”.

A performance.

A show.

But when the lights got dim, when the curtains fall and it was time to go home, when there was no one left to entertain with my “wonderful personality”… I thought I was ugly.

Maybe Ugly is a stretch. I knew people were attracted to me. Not saying I had women throwing themselves at me but plenty of women communicated to me, in many different ways , they into that.

I didn’t feel the same.

Too short. Too fat. Too dark. Too bummy.

What’s crazy is I still don’t know what is so sexy about it. Maybe it’s something to do with chakras and releasing tensions and inhibitions from the hips. Maybe it’s cause I know I wasn’t trying to be sexy for some external validation. I was just having fun. For me. Someone I rarely did anything for. Maybe the lighting was just right.

Idk. All I know is I like the feeling of liking myself. And I had recently built an audience of over 50k where many of them would comment and ask how I got the confidence to do what I do and express myself how I do without being self conscious.

So here is the key:

I express myself EVEN THOUGH I am self conscious. In spite of my insecurities. In spite of my lack of confidence. In spite of my fear of judgment. For me. Because I deserve it. And sure something as simple as a 15 sec video of me pumping on the moon might seem dumb. But it makes me happy about myself. And I think I’m sexy when I’m happy.

Happy Pumpsgivings